Everyone has those moments when their drained. We've gotten home from the hospital, just 24 hours ago, and now is time for the let down of built up anxiety, of pent up frustrations and upset. During our hospital stay Scarlett was low on oxygen (82-86, anything under 92 is a concern), she stopped breathing, her heart rate dropped from 101 to 44 while sleeping 3 times in a few minutes, her breathing slowed down, her heart rate dipped lower and lower, her xray showed her lung infection spread, she lost half a kg in weight, and I accidentally pulled out her g-tube. We were only there 9 days.

On top of that I was thinking of my boys, how they were being shuffled around (with people I love and trust, of course) and what was running through their heads. I was worried that I didn't have enough blended food, that my boys were missing me, that there were a zillion other things that I should be doing. The mental exhaustion is just as bad as the physical when you're trapped in the hospital with nothing but your thoughts and beeping of machines.

Scarlett is doing fine now. Or should I say she's doing "Scarlett fine" in which I mean that she's still facing her daily struggles and I along with her. But this journey has been the most taxing for whatever reason and I'm bagged. The stresses that present themselves in those situations are increased ten fold and I even had a run of visitors this time! The diversions that my friends provided was amazing and yet I feel worse off then usual. I even came home to cooked meals and a plant.

However, being on this trip I have had clinical confirmation of the issues I felt were going on and, that my friends, is the hardest. I've seen the changes, both good an bad in her, but seeing how bad she really is in concrete medical form is daunting. I watched as her heart rate limit was lowered because she kept setting it off, time and time again. I watched her respiratory monitor tell me that, although she was breathing, she was slowing down to near breathlessness (3 on the monitor) time and time again. The impact of watching that all day, for nine days, takes it's toll.

My youngest boy has been stuck to me all day, crying when I'm out of sight, holding my arm saying how much he loves me and requesting hugs like it was all he needed to sustain him. My oldest has been a bit distant and I think it's because he resents me being taken from him again but feels bad about it because he knows it wasn't his sister's fault. He's a complex thinker and sometimes he won't talk to me until he can sort out his own feelings. So when I'm gone, I know how hard it is on my whole family; not just me and Scarlett.

And this is my life. The extreme highs and lows. I'm not complaining, just venting more than anything. The plethora of feelings wash over me and it's hard to absorb what I'm truly feeling before something else takes hold. I feel like lashing out and I don't know if it's just because I'm over-tired or if it's from the feeling of helplessness that I abhor. What's more is that I have a TON of work to do; going to the hospital is a make-work program to which I'd love to decline from. As if I didn't have enough on my plate, I have to re-orientate myself to where my children and their lives are because I missed sooo much, I have to contact everyone and their mother about follow-ups and drugs, and keep up on the stuff I couldn't do that needs to be done while I was away. *Sigh* Yeah, I guess I am complaining a bit.

Then there's the feeling of guilt that my friends have taken time away from their family to provide for mine, the babysitting, the dinner, the school papers...I feel bad that they need to step up because I can't. A mother, or at least this mother, can't handle needing others to get by and run their house but I have to. And it kills me I can't do it on my own; as much as I know I can't. There's just too much and I'm just one run-down person.

I don't know where I was going with this post or exactly what I wanted to say but I just needed to write. I know I'm not the only person who goes through something like this and I'm not sure if that comforts me or if it makes me sad to know there are others out there struggling to keep sane and just make it through the day.  Either way, I just needed to put my thoughts down and maybe it'll help me tomorrow.