Mother's Day Meltdown

It's Mother's Day. This is normally a day I don't pay much mind to but, for whatever reason, I'm really sentimental. Honesty a weird feeling for me. Usually this is just another day filled with dishes and laundry, meltdowns and hugs, timeouts and snuggles. But when I opened the gifts that the kids had made me at school I cried. Here's why:

(From Carson 3 year old) A unique Popsicle frame with his hand print and this verse....

I miss you when we're not together
I'm growing up so fast
See how big I've gotten
Since you saw me last?
As I grow, I'll change a lot,
The years will fly right by.
You'll wonder how I grew so quick
When and where and why.
So look upon this hand print
That's hanging on your wall
And memories will come back of me,
When I was very small.


As I read Carson's gift I started to tear up because, normally, all the kids in the class get the same thing. I knew that this verse wasn't true for Scarlett because she may not get bigger, she may not grow, and I will not have memories come back to me when she is older. It made me sad that I read Carson's gift and thought of Scarlett. I did not want to open her gift because I knew what it would say. I was wrong.

(From Scarlett 2 year old) Same frame, completed by Jess at Strong Start, foot print and this verse...

Scarlett has a certain way
Of growing bigger everyday,
Her little feet and special smile
Will stay in our hearts a long, long while.

I cried because Jess had changed the verse because of Scarlett's conditions. Because she knew that it's not likely that Scarlett will get that far. And it upset me because she had the forethought to change it; she was trying to give me something more appropriate.

(From Cole 9 years old) A card that he wrote telling me that he likes spending time with me. That was hard because I don't spend time with him and I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart. He also made a laminated card that said he liked making cookies with me and had drawn a picture to go with it. I cried again because I don't make cookies with him anymore. I haven't since Scarlett was very little. It was something only the two of us did and now we never do.

Eff'n kids! I laughed afterwards about how sad it all made me because that wasn't the point. I guess I was just weepy and needed the excuse to cry. I know, I know, everyone feels like they're not doing enough for their kids at some point but I  KNOW that I can't meet all their needs and it kills me.

I read on a blog comment that this woman, growing up, had the stress of living with a younger disabled sibling and, as she put it, was faced with the horrible, welcoming thought that if the child died she'd get her parents back and how wrong it felt to have that on her mind at 8 years of age. Then, a few days later, Cole's teacher called because Cole requested counseling (at her suggestion) because our house is so stressful. I'm all for it if Cole needs to talk to someone...someone more objective than myself. But it made think of this woman's writing and I wish there was something I could do to alleviate his stress. I can't really but I wish I could.

I realize that I'm kinda a downer and my last post said that I was going to look on the bright side but I'm still allowed to have my moments of blah, right? I have been happier with my family and more positive (I think) and we have been nicer to each other - likely due to the less stress I'm putting on everyone. Bedtimes still suck royally, drugs are still being made, pumps still need charging but it's a work in progress and I think we're finally starting to get the hang of it.  I had my little *sniff sniff* and it's over so now it's onto dinner and spending time with my family.